Hope for the Home – Love Interrupted

Hope for the Home – Love Interrupted

Hope for the Home

Love Interrupted 

Communication and Conflict

Ephesians 4:15

but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—

Today I want to talk to you about one of the most important subjects in marriage and in life.  Today if you are here and not married I think you can benefit just as much from this message as the married couples can.

Communication and resolving conflict

Benjamin Franklin said:

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.

These are the Big brush strokes that I want us to consider today

  1. Conflict is common in all marriages
  2. The goal is not to be conflict free but to learn to handle conflict correctly when it occurs.
  3. Healthy conflict resolution occurs when couples are willing to seek and grant forgiveness.

Communication tips

  • Make sure you address one issue at a time when you are having a conflict
  • To successfully navigate conflict.  You need to have the right tools
  • Seek to discover the reasons why the conflict began.  As you do you will often find out what is important to your spouse.
  • All communication takes place on two levels the content level (truth) and the relational level (love)
  • We are often to busy to listen to our spouses and resolve conflict
  • We need to retrain ourselves to be present in the moment with our spouses.

Bobby Conway a Pastor from North Carolina said

I think most people would rather jump out of a moving car than communicate and face reality.

So lets remind ourselves of our text and see what the Bible can teach us today.

Ephesians 4:15

but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—

Remember the content level is truth

The relational level is love

James 1:19

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;

Wrath is there is anger slow to anger

When you were growing up how was conflict handled?

Was it discussed openly?

Did everyone withdraw?

Did it seem like an attack?

Maybe you didn’t see conflict discussed in your home?

Was everyone given the cold shoulder after?

Did your family pretend that nothing happened?

Was it talked about quietly after everyone calmed down?

Was it nagged about until the other person was finally willing to talk?

Were snide comments and sarcasm used to shame the person into talking?

How is conflict handled in your home now?

How would you like to improve how it is handled?

James 1:20

for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Remember wrath = Anger

The source of our anger is within each of us

Conflict occurs when our desires aren’t fulfilled when we don’t get what we want

  • Our rights violated
  • Our expectations not met
  • We have been hurt

James 4:1-2

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask.

The source of our anger according to this verse is our passions: our desires for pleasure.

 

Here is a very important question to ask yourself

Am I pursuing the pleasure of self?

Or am I pursuing the pleasure to Christ?

This verse shows us there are three responses to the inner battle of our passions if they are for self

  • Murder
  • Fights
  • Wars

So how do I cool off a heated conflict?

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Speak softly and slowly

  • Take a deep breath to stay relaxed

 

  • Look the other person in the eyes with you both sitting or standing
  • Don’t cross your arms
  • Clench your fists
  • Or purse your lips
  • Remember there is a win/win solution
  • Watch your language

James 3:5

Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!

How to confront in love

Remember we all have conflict

Many things are not worth fighting about

1 Peter 4:8

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”

There are things that we need to address

When things are destroying our relationship we have a responsibility to lovingly confront

Proverbs 19:11

The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression.

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

Galatians 6:1

Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.

Ephesians 4:32

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Forgiveness

It is so hard to confront my spouse they are so intimidating

Here is one for you

Winston Churchill

How would you like to be his wife Clementine?

Here is a letter from her to him

My Darling

I hope that you will forgive me if I tell you something that I feel you ought to know.  One of the men in your entourage a devoted friend has been to me and told me that there is a danger of your being generally disliked by your colleagues and subordinates because of your rough, sarcastic, and overbearing manner.  I was astonished and upset because in all these years I have been accustomed to all those who have worked with and under you, loving you.  I said this and was told, no doubt it’s the strain.

My darling Winston, I must confess that I have noticed a deterioration in your manner and you are not so kind as you used to be.

It is for your to give the orders and if they are bungled you can sack anyone and everyone.  Therefore with this terrific power, you must combine kindness and olympic calm.  You used to quote, One can only reign over souls with calmness.

I cannot bear that those who serve our county and yourself should not love you as well as admire and respect you.

Besides you wont get the best results by meanness and rudeness.  They will breed either dislike or a slave mentality.

Please forgive your, loving, devoted and watchful Clemmie

Ps I wrote this last Sunday, tore it up but rewrote and here it is now.

1 Peter 3:8-12

Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their prayers; But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

1 Peter 2:23

who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously;

Finally:

  • I choose to believe that conflict is common in all marriages
  • I will seek to handle conflict correctly when it occurs in my marriage
  • I will practice seeking and granting forgiveness with my spouse.

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